Torture

I can see why sleep deprivation is used as an instrument of torture. After a few sleepless nights my mind is woolly and I ache from head to toe. I have enjoyed 3 blissful nights of gentle deep sleep. So this morning I thought I'd have the energy to go out bird watching along the river Otter.

I had the energy I just didn't realise how freezing cold it would be. I had put on enough layers to make me waddle like a Michelin woman. But the cold wind attacked my head [I know, I forgot a woolly hat], my gloved hands and my feet. Over the last 9 years winters have been so mild I'd forgotten just how cold it can get. I didn't see any birds other than gulls and mallard. I could well have missed some interesting sights but my eyes were watering so much I gave up. I went instead for coffee in Otterton Mill; re-opened following the recent floods.

While leaving I saw a very fat ginger cat which welcomed having a big fuss from me - I am still feeling very cat deprived. This picture is from an artist's website. Why not pop over and take a look. There are some impressive originals.

Home is Where the Cat is ...

Now Swiftly Moving On . .

When I started this Blog I was very unhappy. Looking back I can see I was more depressed than I realised. Suffering from unresolved grief through many bereavements over a 3-year period. The loss of my 2 very old cats compounded that feeling of bereavement so severe I lost sight of myself for a while. It was only my recent attendance at two funerals that made me realise that I no longer feel emotionally overwhelmed. I still feel sad but it is no longer an all enveloping sadness.

I've been reading 'The Book of Happiness' . It is helping me to focus. It defined the difference in the feelings of sadness and unhappiness. "Sadness is a part of life and we experience it as a result of life's events . . ."! Well I have had plenty of those of the last few years. Ithas been energy sapping. Now I am trying to come to terms with those events and 'move on'.

To move on I need to make several changes. We moved into our present house [1999] from a larger 4 bedroom house. As it was a sudden move we didn't have time to de-clutter. We just packed up and moved with more stuff than we needed. We were going to expand into the roof here with a loft conversion. It was going to be my husband's home office. Suddenly our circumstances changed and he no longer needed a home office. We never did the loft conversion. Meanwhile the spare bedroom and garage held all his office papers, tax and VAT files, etc .

To move on we need to de-clutter. We have sold all the office furniture. My husband is slowly trawling through paperwork, archiving financial information and shredding personal client papers. It's a slow process. We also need to make a decision on life changes about where we will live out our retirement years. Home is very important to me. I need to feel settled, rooted, in order to regain my equilibrium. I love it here and so it adds to my feelings of sadness on thinking of leaving. But it is not suitable for our situation now. My husband now has a strong desire to move elsewhere. We just don't know where yet. It needs to be somewhere less hilly.

We are also trying to sort out a new car. Just normal activities but very time consuming and demanding. Especially when trying to make decisions with someone who doesn't feel at all able or capable of making decisions. I'm pressing on as I don't feel we can waste time. I've reached the age where time seems to gallop by at an alarming pace.

I've missed posting a regular blog. . . .. this is just a short note to let you know why I haven't had time to call by to meet up with you and chat at yours on a regular basis.

For Pianists Everywhere

I'm so impressed to learn from MerryWeather's latest blog that she plays the piano.

However much I like and admire Merryw I bet she is nowhere as cute a pianist as Nora. I just love Nora's relaxed style of playing. I admire the fact that although there are a few off -key notes she continues with unabated enthusiasm. I think the best example of her work is at the beginning of the duet with Betsy Student. A concert of her full repertoire can be viewed here on this video.

Speaking for Myself

'Speaking for Myself' is the title of Cherie Blair's book which apparently has been rushed out earlier than the planned autumn release date. Perhaps she is worried that by the October no-one will have £18.99 spare cash left to waste on a work of fiction/faction. Speaking for Myself I find the idea of reading 'Speaking for Myself' by Cherie Blair to be a complete waste of time. It sounds as if she is trying to get us to like her and see everything from Tony's point of view. But all it appears to do is highlight how greedy, vulgar and self deceiving the woman is. Cherie must think we are all less than intelligent. Why should we believe any of this? After all she has admitted she is not incapable of telling 'pork pies'. Her husband is also a stranger to the truth. She only confessed to fibbing when 'found out'.

Speaking for Myself I'm also amazed that she was so embarrassed by being found to have a 'contraceptive' device in her luggage that she decided to leave it at home. Why not carry it in her handbag? Being such a devout Catholic female maybe this was the contraceptive device she chose for Tony to use.

At least this latest outing of the B Liars serves to remind us of just how grateful we should be that bungling Gordon 'Prudence' Brown did manage to remove Teflon Tony and the 'Cat Trainer' from office.

Update: 16th May - and who would like to guess just who this eager beaver of a reader and reviewer on the Amazon website is?? Me thinks it is probably a publisher/editor desperate to get the sales up - or maybe even a 'pen' name of Cherry Booth/Blair QC.

I agree with the Judge who thought she should resign as part- time Judge. Imagine standing in court and having this loose mouthed loose morals female pronouncing Judgement on your behaviour! HUH!

Cherie Blair Pussy Trainer.

I thought this looked rather like Cherie Blair. It makes me wonder whether she has taken on a new role as a cat trainer.

Friendly Visitor

This is a neighbour's cat that seems to have adopted us. He often wanders in and loudly announces his presence. I like cats that talk with you. Sometimes - like today I just found he had entered the open kitchen door and was fast asleep in the middle of the kitchen. Once he was shut in for a couple of hours as I didn't realise he'd stealthily crept into the bedroom and made himself very comfortable on the bed. It's nice to have a cat around but although he strops around my ankles scent marking me he's not a 'sit on your lap for a cuddle' kind of cat. He's a bit aloof. Maybe that's because he's a posh cat and knows his status.

Early Rising

I was awake very early this morning - 5.30. I'd just had a dream of our cat - Lacey. She was fussing and purring around me as she often did when she thought it was time I should wake and feed her. It was a very comforting dream I thought how fine she appeared even though I knew she was now dead. I suppose this was my brain's way of letting me know I've come to terms with being in a pet free zone. The trouble is that as we have no children our pets over the years were child substitutes. I did invest a great deal of emotional energy into them - especially the 2 cats. Cagney and Lacey were with us for almost 20 years - a lot of love builds in that time.

Man's Best Friend

I am trying to re-dress the balance re dogs. I do seem to have a rather cat heavy blog here. I have just been to visit some of my pen pals and I see that Clever Dick claims not to be a dog fancier. But as he only appears to have come across waltzing or tap dancing dogs then it's not surprising. I would have thought he'd enjoy the slavish devotion from a dog. After all they do say a dog is a man's best friend.

I thought I'd trawl the net and look for a site to add to my blog roll to balance the Cool Cat's Blog: George online. Then I found this Give a Dog a Home Blog. I'm wondering whether we could take on another house pet. I believe the perfect home includes, an Aga , a pantry, a cat and dog. I don't have an Aga or a pantry, but ....... I started to trawl through the site looking at all the dogs that need a home. And then I found this beautiful lady - Sky - and I'm in love. I'll go to sleep on it .... I want to let my heart rule my head but ..... tomorrow I may revel in a clean and tidy house and decide to let my head rule my heart.

I'll just have to ask myself do I want a perfectly clean and tidy house or do I want a home?

Fear and Grief

From where does the fear of loss come? What comes first? The fear or the feeling of loss which then sets up the fear? When do we first experience the concept of grief and loss? I can remember as a quite young child (about 6yrs) contemplating the grief I would leave behind if I died. I wept for my poor sad parents.as I imagined them coping without me. I obviously started 'thinking' at an early age. In the event it was my mother's death when I was just turned 16 yrs old that was my first experience of loss and bereavement. But maybe when I was about 3 yrs old I had picked up the awareness of grief from my mother after the death of my maternal gt grandmother.

Over these last 5 yearsI have had several losses. One after another. Each loss reminds me of previous losses. Until my whole body feels as if it is one huge receptacle of sadness. The last two were our much loved cats. The first Cagney, almost 2 years ago, followed by his 'wife' Lacey just a year ago. We had them both as 8 week old kittens from separate litters. They were almost 20 years old when they died. Our dog also; we still grieve, many years later. Our pets were our 'children'. Now I am an empty nester.

What set me thinking down this path is the latest posting from the Wife in the North. Wifey isn't the only "fright filled soul". My fears now - are over suffering any more losses of my nearest and dearest. My widowed sister who, if I've not heard from her for 12 hours, I become convinced is lying dead at the foot of the stairs. Nephews and nieces living in the City (prone to possible terroists attacks) or travelling on a gap year (terroism, natural acts of God and plane crashes) or partaking in adrenaline sports activity. All fill me with dread and anxiety.

Elegant Cat less

Lady Tara hasn't been anywhere near us for several weeks. I can't remember the last time she was in our garden. I thought she had died. But I saw here strolling across the road as I returned from town. It was only later when throwing out bird food that I remembered. The last time she was in our garden she had bird food thrown over her. The wet pre-soaked sticky sultanas I threw under an azalea for the black birds and she was covered in them. I expect by the time she returned home they were well and truly stuck fast. The indignity of having them combed out is probably something she doesn't want to risk again.

Manuka Honey and Health

A few weeks ago I removed a rather large old heather from the garden outside my bedroom window. It used to be my cats favourite sunbathing site. They would lie there baking in the sun until they became too hot. Then roll over and nestle under the shade of the heather. But with no cats to use it as a snug sun lounger it has gone. The neighbours' cats were just using it as cover from which to ambush the passing birds. Another good reason for it to go. Today I replanted the area with 2 low growing Leptospermum and some Veronica for ground cover. Now I've been taking Manuka honey over the last week as I keep having a recurring irritating sore throat. My glands are a little uncomfortable so I assume I'm fighting some bug. The next time I go visiting a friend in hospital I'll take along a pot of the Active Manuka honey with me. It'll make a change from grapes and magazines and it may save their skin - in more ways than one. Manuka honey is made by the bees that collect pollen from the Manuka bush (Manuka Leptospermum scoparium) which grows wild in New Zealand. As a gardener I always thought of it as the 'NZ Tea Tree'. They do make a Tea Tree Oil from it which is considered 'richer and warmer' but the more common Tea Tree Oil bought for medicinal uses comes from a different Australian shrub.

CarPets

I went to the local dump on my way out this afternoon. The car was full of bags of composting garden waste. Smelled very ripe. I shared the journey with 3 slugs, 1 spider and a host of small flies. The slugs and spider returned home with me. The flies were obviously just hitching a ride. I didn't see them again once I'd dumped the green stuff. The slugs I put out on the bird table. The spider returned to its nest in the rear view mirror. Itsy Bitsy spider only comes out when the car is on the move. She hangs there looking forward through the windscreen rocking along to the ELO soundtrack on the CD player "Mr Blue Sky".

Elegant cat

Such an elegant cat. I'd like to say she's mine - but she isn't . Lady Lara's just a visitor who comes into our garden to bird watch. She has a stable mate - an all black, Plain Jane. Plain Jane is better able to chase birds and squirrels. She's faster - but as she has a collar and bell the element of surprise is missing. The birds have flown before she able to take more than a couple of paces. She has more chance of catching squirrels [or squeals as they're known in our family]. Plain Jane lies in wait below the sunflower seeds and as the squeal comes for the tree she pounces and they fly up the garden one after t'other at tremendous speed. Lady Lara is elegant and poised but she needs to keep to the roof top to avoid the dog. I think Velvet just wants to get close enough to sniff but Lara doesn't trust her.

Ghost or dreaming

I woke early this morning before 6 am - spring must be on its way and my long winter hibernation is coming to an end. As I lay in that dreamlike, half sleepy state I felt my favourite cat on to the bed with me. I could feel the bed move slightly - he was lazily and cosily washing himself - with the ocassional chew at the pads of his feet. Such a comforting feeling. But it wasn't him. It couldn't be. He died 18 months ago. Even though as I lay there and knew there was no cat on the bed - he was there. I could still feel him washing. I felt great feeling of love, comfort and then grief again.