Family Fears

When I popped in to visit St Billy yesterday I saw that he'd written of his concerns re his granddaughter being a newly qualified driver. We are all too aware that the young don't seem to have a healthy regard of the dangers. They act as if they feel invincible. It reminded me of my own fears when my nephew just passed his test and was intending to drive to/from university. I could see it made sense instead of hauling all his dirty laundry home by train to have the use of his car. But suddenly for an 18 year old to go from minor pottering around town to driving on major routes and motorways didn't bear thinking about. To get some of my worries off my chest I penned him a letter:

"Dear Nephew

Enclosed are a couple of leaflets I picked up when we had a speaker talk to us recently [at the garden club] about the history of British woodlands. I’m not sure what exactly you are studying at University on 'Geography' but Pat said you would be interested in collecting information – so here they are! Now, in my day [yawn….] geography was all about maps, globes, countries, continents, rivers, hills and mountains and other geographical features that I may have missed out in the aforementioned list. Also about resources such as minerals etc. At least I can have a fair stab at pointing in the correct area of the globe when someone mentions some far and away foreign country. I also know where my hometown, yours and Southampton fit into a map of England – next time I see you I’ll have to test your knowledge and awareness of British towns/cities/rivers etc. – so be warned!

I was very pleased to hear you had passed your driving test – well done – but please [a bit of auntily nagging is now coming up] do take care. Whatever you do don’t drink and drive. Also try to drive carefully at all times. Remember there are some mad buggers out there who do daft things when you least expect them to. Also always leave plenty of s p a c e when pulled up behind another car. Some folk aren’t good at clutch control and at best will roll back and dent your front or at worst someone may hit you from behind and if you're too close to the one in front you end up becoming sandwiched. And finally, when driving allow plenty of space for unexpected idiots braking or turning with no warnings [don’t forget if you ever hit anyone from the rear you're at fault – no dispute allowed: regardless of whatever the daft idiot in front does – if you hit them from behind then you’re the guilty party]. And then your astronomically high insurance premium will soar to even greater heights.

I always quote the 2 second rule – this is where you watch the car in front pass a marker then recite “only a fool ignores the 2 second rule” (normal talking pace - no gabbling it) you should be able to say it all before you pass the same marker point. This means regardless of speed you are doing that the gap between you and car in front is adequate. May you have many, many happy and carefree years of motoring ahead of you – it can be fun – I enjoy driving but am always thinking of the risks. I am also thinking of taking the advanced motoring course – if I qualify it should help to lower the insurance premiums – speaking of which there is a short course called “Pass Plus” [I think it covers motorways etc] which may help you to do the same. Enough nagging!

I hope you are impressed by this fancy font – I’ve just started to do a course n calligraphy – I’d like to say this all my own work but I wont lie…. At the moment I’m practicing [or is that practising?] with a calligraphy pen - getting the angles right on various curves and zig zags – sheet after sheet – I get writers cramp. I hope to be proficient enough to do hand made Christmas cards this year – we’ll see.

Apart from writer’s cramp I also suffer from computer user’s mouse hand/shoulder (RSI), housemaid’s knee and mobile phone, texter’s thumb! Pat and I regularly pass short messages back and forth – heaven only know’s why – it would be cheaper to phone and use the landline. BT allow me to talk for 5.5p for a whole hour and here I am texting a short sentence and paying 12p for the honour – but it makes me feel young and trendy! It’s good though as had friends in South Africa last month (that’s towards the bottom half of the globe slightly to the right of us – in a geographer’s language almost south east – at least - I think that’s where it is) and they sent me a birthday text greeting. They’re young and trendy too even though 10+ years older than I. Talking of birthdays - thank you very much for the birthday card – I was very pleased to receive it.

With much love from your very proud Aunt. (by that I mean your Aunt who is full of pride of her nephew - even if he is unable to pin point the whereabouts of Southampton on a blank map of the UK)"

Then when I started to relax and get used to the idea of his driving around the country he took up a new hobby - sky diving . . . eek.

Fearing the Worst

My post on Fear and Grief the other day set me to thinking about how and why I often 'waste' time - worrying over the 'what if' scenarios. I am always prepared for the worst to happen. This can be an annoying and a stressful waste of time. But I have been told that I am good in an emergency. People like having me around as they feel I am a calming influence. I keep a cool calm head when all about me are in a panic. I don't panic. I'm decisive. I quickly gather the facts and decide what line of action to take. Because I've been there - in my imagination. Thought the worst. Worked out how best to deal with it. I have had practise. Even if I feel the fear too I don't show it. Deadpan Annie, that's me.

I remember once when MyMan was late home from work. A 200 mile drive. Our young 12 year old niece was visiting. She and I had a film video on. Something she found really absorbing. But I found it scary. So I avoided watching some of the time. I averted my gaze from time to time. Looked out the window every now and then. Saw a police car pull up outside. A Policeman and a Policewoman. This was in the days when WPC's were sent out to pass on the bad news or to help mothers and/or children in distress, domestic cases. I was sure they had come to tell me BAD news. Sure that MyMan had been involved in an accident. I left the room to put the kettle on and get the tea things out of the cupboard. I knew they would want me to have a cuppa for the shock. I didn't like to think of them having to forage for everything for themselves in a strange kitchen. I am thoughtful of others feelings.

I'd made the pot of tea and still no knock at the door. I started to plan how to care for niece. How to get to the hospital if MyMan was in fact a survivor. I also started to make long terms plans if I was now a widow. Well, by long term, I mean the funeral and what to wear. Still no knock at the door so I had a peek through the window again. Saw then they were inspecting a newly built house just down the road. They did in fact buy it. Mr and Mrs PC moved in to become neighbours a few months later.

I returned to the film and enjoyed the pot of tea. Wondering when my travelling husband was going to get home for supper. At least nowadays mobile phones help us to keep in contact with reasons for late arrivals.

Fear and Grief

From where does the fear of loss come? What comes first? The fear or the feeling of loss which then sets up the fear? When do we first experience the concept of grief and loss? I can remember as a quite young child (about 6yrs) contemplating the grief I would leave behind if I died. I wept for my poor sad parents.as I imagined them coping without me. I obviously started 'thinking' at an early age. In the event it was my mother's death when I was just turned 16 yrs old that was my first experience of loss and bereavement. But maybe when I was about 3 yrs old I had picked up the awareness of grief from my mother after the death of my maternal gt grandmother.

Over these last 5 yearsI have had several losses. One after another. Each loss reminds me of previous losses. Until my whole body feels as if it is one huge receptacle of sadness. The last two were our much loved cats. The first Cagney, almost 2 years ago, followed by his 'wife' Lacey just a year ago. We had them both as 8 week old kittens from separate litters. They were almost 20 years old when they died. Our dog also; we still grieve, many years later. Our pets were our 'children'. Now I am an empty nester.

What set me thinking down this path is the latest posting from the Wife in the North. Wifey isn't the only "fright filled soul". My fears now - are over suffering any more losses of my nearest and dearest. My widowed sister who, if I've not heard from her for 12 hours, I become convinced is lying dead at the foot of the stairs. Nephews and nieces living in the City (prone to possible terroists attacks) or travelling on a gap year (terroism, natural acts of God and plane crashes) or partaking in adrenaline sports activity. All fill me with dread and anxiety.