Monday, 26 February 2007

Where I'm At ..

I see from my cartoon style image of myself that I designed on Yahoo 360 that I look a bit of a tired slob - true - but this image is not as fat as I am. I am at my most relaxed when in my dressing gown [I have 3] cuddling up on the sofa with the dog and a mug of hot chocolate. All round comfort. But as I need to lose 3 stone [depressed carer syndrome and neglect of self] then I'm also hoping that typing this blog will stop me eating as much. I've given up sweets/cakes for Lent - so far so good but Easter feels a long way off. I expect you are beginning to get the impression that I have high hopes of blogging. You may well be right on that.
I have just acquired a digital camera [I'm on the spend, spend, spend route now] and once have mastered it and have a decent photo I will place a proper one - but only if I lose some of this excess fat. Generally I do eat a healthy diet of more than 5 portions of fruit and veg etc but when it is so relentlessly depressing at home and when walking on eggshells, unable to talk properly to my man then I get lonely and sad, and cheer myself up with unnecessary treats.
I sat and thought yesterday about how long this has been going on: over 5 years.
I suddenly remembered that the day of Queens' Jubilee celebrations were there first time my husband and I talked about his mood swings and how it was affecting me. He had become very noticeably withdrawn, uncommunicative and irritable, full of anxieties. It was a bit up and down from then on but at some point after that June day in 2005 it has been one long, gradual decline. I think my natural optimism started to run out of fuel towards the end of spring 2006. Now my 'optimism tank' has been running on empty for the last 10 months. I worry that this may be as good as it gets and I don't know how much longer I can keep living this way.
I find it difficult to confide in local friends as I've not known them very long; it feels disloyal to 'harp on' about my man. Long term friends live miles away and I only phone to chat when I feel able to be 'upbeat' also I have no privacy as he is always around when I start to talk to friends. Well, he's always around - I have to go out to get any privacy - that's not quite the same is it? I sometimes fantasise about living separately.
I'm now reading a book called "How You Can Survive When they're Depressed" by Anne Sheffield. I've only started it so will report back later. I also read the Caroline Carr book "Living with the Black Dog ......." [this title particularly amuses me] it was very simply written - I read it in a few hours - but has one or two good points which I'll try to put into practise.

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