Monday, 27 August 2007

Fearing the Worst

My post on Fear and Grief the other day set me to thinking about how and why I often 'waste' time - worrying over the 'what if' scenarios. I am always prepared for the worst to happen. This can be an annoying and a stressful waste of time. But I have been told that I am good in an emergency. People like having me around as they feel I am a calming influence. I keep a cool calm head when all about me are in a panic. I don't panic. I'm decisive. I quickly gather the facts and decide what line of action to take. Because I've been there - in my imagination. Thought the worst. Worked out how best to deal with it. I have had practise. Even if I feel the fear too I don't show it. Deadpan Annie, that's me.

I remember once when MyMan was late home from work. A 200 mile drive. Our young 12 year old niece was visiting. She and I had a film video on. Something she found really absorbing. But I found it scary. So I avoided watching some of the time. I averted my gaze from time to time. Looked out the window every now and then. Saw a police car pull up outside. A Policeman and a Policewoman. This was in the days when WPC's were sent out to pass on the bad news or to help mothers and/or children in distress, domestic cases. I was sure they had come to tell me BAD news. Sure that MyMan had been involved in an accident. I left the room to put the kettle on and get the tea things out of the cupboard. I knew they would want me to have a cuppa for the shock. I didn't like to think of them having to forage for everything for themselves in a strange kitchen. I am thoughtful of others feelings.

I'd made the pot of tea and still no knock at the door. I started to plan how to care for niece. How to get to the hospital if MyMan was in fact a survivor. I also started to make long terms plans if I was now a widow. Well, by long term, I mean the funeral and what to wear. Still no knock at the door so I had a peek through the window again. Saw then they were inspecting a newly built house just down the road. They did in fact buy it. Mr and Mrs PC moved in to become neighbours a few months later.

I returned to the film and enjoyed the pot of tea. Wondering when my travelling husband was going to get home for supper. At least nowadays mobile phones help us to keep in contact with reasons for late arrivals.

3 comments:

Lizzie said...

Penny, am I allowed to comment to cover, erm, I think, 3 of your posts? Without waiting for a reply, here goes anyway: the 1st time - years ago,(& the last for a v. v. long time) I applied instant tan to my legs, they turned bright orange, yes and stripey & also stippled where the die had settled into the (newly shaven hairy bits) hair follicles.

Re: new moon: I cannot sleep easily, like you, during new moon but for certainty cannot under any circs have the moon shining on my face.

Re: fearing the worst: I always, always do this. I was facing, 18 months ago, a hysterectomy (& thought I had uterine cancer. I hadn't). I then discovered a breast lump, about 3 weeks prior to the op. When I was told that the chances of said little lump was unlikely to be cancerous, I just burst into tears & a lovely nurse felt obliged to give me councelling! ( I had driven there alone.) Like, phew!! plus some. (It wasn't big C either.)

Love Lixxie x

merry weather said...

Anticipation improves mental toughness - definitely.

I am anticipating eldest son's foot through the extension roof any second now. He's larking about up there but he will just have to learn to anticipate things for himself.... oh for school to start again...

lady thinker said...

Hello Lizzie, not this way one comment in one place saves me having to nip around to answer them all. Bless you.
Do you know the instant tan dtuff still smells the same as it did in the 60's?!
Glad that health problems turned out OK and glad you had a sympathetic nurse.
I've yet more thoughts on this and will be folowing up again -- later. Hugs x

Merry W - yes I am a tough old nut. Good to see you again. Hugs from big bossy sis. x